Our Take on Bullying and Sexting in School
This isn’t a touchy “feel good” post. I am not exploring the social or psychological reasons behind why people become bullies or engage in sexting. I’m also not sharing research as to whether or not people and students have become soft and are now overreacting to teasing. I’ll save these issues for another time.
What this post is about is how to come down hard on a bully and shut things down. It will give you ways to stop sexting.
It’s a no-nonsense approach to taking control and playing hardball to stop the bully from harming your child or if something has already happened, how to hold a bully legally responsible for his or her misguided and wrongful conduct.
12-year-old Rebecca was bullied and terrorized relentlessly for months both on and offline. After texting a friend that she couldn’t take it anymore, Rebecca jumped to her death from a high cement factory tower.
Prior to Rebecca’s death, up to 15 teenagers in school had reportedly been bullying Rebecca with several using social media to make their point. After her death, two of the teenage girls were arrested for bullying Rebecca and are now charged as juveniles with criminal third-degree felony aggravated stalking.
Even after Rebecca’s death, one of her tormenters allegedly continued to make online comments about Rebecca bragging about the bullying. According to authorities, this teenager wrote on Facebook:
“Yes, I bullied Rebecca and she killed herself but I don’t give a … and you can add the last word yourself.”
Bullying is a Big Problem
Bullying is a big problem and in this post, I share several methods and suggestions to help you take on the bullies and win!
Shea is an 18-year-old special needs student in Texas. Shea suffers from seizures due to a brain injury she suffered during birth. Despite her handicap, Shea participated in high school sports and cheerleading. Shea tried to not let her handicap slow her down.
Several of Shea’s school mates began mercilessly bullying her via text messages. Rather than supporting her courageous effort of trying to overcome her special needs, these students harassed and bullied Shea and wrote texts such as the following:
“Shea should just have one of her fucking seizures and die because people at west don’t want her. That’s the reason she has seizures, because that’s karma for giving birth to a freaky slut.”
It’s my understanding that the school, school district and concerned parents are stepping in to deal with the bullying. Only over time will we know if the bullying directed at Shea will stop. Until then, I think we can all agree that these teenagers should all be held accountable for their misguided and hurtful behavior.
For many personal and business reasons, I’m a big fan of social media. However, when it comes to the issue of bullying and sexting (hereinafter “bullying”), social media makes it easier for someone to bully. Without too much thought or effort, a teenager using social media can quickly start a bullying effort against a victim. More and more bullies join in the feeding frenzy and before you know it, major damage is done and the bullying has spread like wildfire.
Because of social media, no longer is bullying limited to a one-on-one situation. Today, the number of bullies can grow almost instantly from one person to dozens of people threatening a single victim before an audience of hundreds, thousands and even tens of thousands. In the past a victim might be able to deal with one-on-one bullying. Today, the consequences of viral social media bullying is now understandably, unmanageable for many.
What a Victim and Family Should Do When Bullying Starts
The remainder of this post are simply my thoughts, as a California lawyer, to what rights and remedies victims of bullies might assert. This post is not about helping bullies or trying to understand the psychological and social issues behind the problem. It’s just about recourse and how to hold bullies, and in some cases their parents, responsible and accountable.
So for starters, I believe immediate intervention needs to take place when your child is bullied. Your biggest asset to stop the bullying is the threat of legal action so you must immediately use this tool to protect your child and send a message to the bully.
Put Everyone On Notice
The first thing I would do is call the school principal and teacher and let them know exactly what is going on. I would request a one-on-one meeting to discuss the facts.
I recommend sending a letter (not email) to the teacher, principal and school district. It should clearly confirm your concerns and why the teacher, school or school district should immediately step in and investigate the bullying. It should request that all evidence such as pictures and videos be preserved. The letter should be mailed via certified mail return receipt requested, or sent by Fed Ex or UPS so that you have independent confirmation that it was delivered. So long as you deliver the hard copies as described, it’s OK to also email a second copy to the same recipients.
By starting the process in this fashion, you are placing these people and entities on what is called legal notice. They can no longer ignore the issue or stick their heads in the sand.
If they truly were not aware of the bullying issue, then your letter will put them on notice. You are shifting the duty of care and safety to these people and entities to take the bullying seriously and to take reasonable action to stop it in its tracks. You are shifting the burden to the teacher, school and district to do their job and resolve the problem. If you have the means to do so, you can and should have a lawyer write and send the letter for you. A letter from your lawyer will have a much greater impact than a letter from you.
Notify Police and District Attorneys Office
If the bullying appears serious and a real risk of harm (more than just taking your child’s seat in class or asking for half her sandwich during lunch), then you should immediately notify your local police department and also send the police agency a copy of your letter. Ask to speak to an investigator trained to handle bully and harassment cases and make a formal complaint.
Request that criminal prosecution take place and ask that the police officer’s report be sent to the District Attorneys office for review and possible action. Document everything in writing as mentioned above (emails are just not sufficient). Always be organized, polite and professional. Remember, these agencies are here to help you. They are not your enemy. Document your concerns with dates, names and details and you will make their job easier during the investigation and review process.
If you know the parents of the bully and because of the dynamics believe a call or meeting with them will make a difference, then do it. Get them involved. Use some of the communication techniques found at my communication tips blog (don’t point fingers or allow things to get too personal- focus on the problem and not the people.)
The idea is to get everyone involved as soon as you can and place everyone on notice of the seriousness of the bullying. The plan is to establish legal notice.
The good news is that in most cases this type of affirmative approach will usually provide a sufficient check and balance to nip the bullying episodes in the butt and help fix the problem. People who now have notice of the bullying will be watching out for further wrongful conduct. The bully and her family will also now know that their every move is being monitored.
Your child or family is harmed by the bullying
If despite the above, the bullying continues and your child is harmed, you still have recourse. Or, if you did not find out about the bullying until after the damage was done, there are still things you can do to (1) hold the bully accountable and (2) help prevent the bully from harming someone else.
First, you need to immediately document the bullying and harm caused to your child. Send the letter I mentioned above to put everyone on notice of your concerns and harm. This written notice delivered by certified mail, Fed Ex or UPS, is critically important and will help you avoid the situation of someone claiming they didn’t “know” about the bullying.
I’ve also noticed that people are lazy and people like to avoid getting involved. The problem isn’t theirs, so they try to sweep things under the rug. Unfortunately, this includes some teachers, principals, school district officials, police officers, investigators and even lawyers at the District Attorneys Office.
As I mentioned earlier, one way of dealing with this lack of interest and keeping everyone honest and on their toes, at least from a legal standpoint, is to document everything in writing. Doing this forces everyone to get involved and also activates certain legal obligations that may not get triggered with an unrecorded phone call or deleted email. Pictures and videos of actual bullying and injuries are also powerful pieces of evidence that will help you document the problem. Remember the old adage, “A picture is worth a thousand words.”
Hire a Lawyer and File a Lawsuit
When we represent a person or family who has been, or is currently being bullied, we immediately send a certified cease and desist letter. We explain in detail what is going on and why it needs to immediately stop. We attach to our letter a draft of the Superior Court Civil Complaint that we will file to protect our client’s rights if necessary. We have the letter and complaint personally served on the bully and her parents together with a Statement of Damages.
After serving our letter and lawsuit, we usually give the other side 5 days to respond. If they respond then we talk about the issue. A confirming letter is then sent. The school, school district and police department are all included in our correspondence. In most of the bullying cases, these steps are enough to get things resolved to our client’s complete satisfaction.
If the bully and parents don’t respond or their response is unacceptable, then we move forward with litigation and file our lawsuit for damages. In our lawsuit we ask for a court order prohibiting the bully and anyone associated with the bully, from coming in to contact with our clients.
Contact the Police Department and District Attorneys Office
While doing this, we also contact the police department and District Attorneys Office and follow up on prior formal complaints already made by our clients. If possible, we try to make sure the District Attorneys Office files criminal charges against the bully and we coordinate our efforts in the civil courts with the criminal prosecution.
When we do move forward with our civil lawsuit, we have the lawsuit personally served on the bully and her parents by a professional process server or police officer. We also include a statement of damages which sets forth the money damages our client is entitled to for her injuries and harm. This would also apply in a wrongful death case.
We use professionals to serve the legal documents because (1) we want this done correctly and (2) we want to make the right first impression. We want the defendants, because that’s what they now are, to understand and appreciate that we are taking our lawsuit very seriously. The gloves are coming off and we’re calling the shots now, not the bully or her family.
In addition to seeking a temporary restraining order as well as preliminary and permanent injunctions, we also allege substantial money damages to compensate our clients for their harm, and to make a strong point that the bully’s misguided actions have consequences. In most instances, we seek punitive damages above and beyond the special damages to deter and punish the bully for her wrongful conduct.
In many instances, a civil lawyer will handle this case on a contingency fee basis. What this means is that the attorney will receive payment for his or her services out of a final settlement or verdict. You don’t have to spend any money up front to protect your legal rights.
In other situations, a lawyer may agree to get involved and help based upon an hourly fee agreement. Every case is different so it’s best to discuss options with your lawyer to see what works best for you. Depending on the facts of your case, you may be entitled to reimbursement of attorney fees once you prevail against the bully and/or her family.
Causes of Action
Depending on the facts, our lawsuit will allege causes of action including, but not limited to, assault and battery, negligence, emotional distress, harassment, civil conspiracy, defamation, sexual battery, stalking, and fraud. You can click here to learn more about the specific personal injury or wrongful death damages.
If the teacher, school or school district failed to properly act or otherwise protect the student from bullying after being placed on notice of the problem (remember the letters I told you to write), then they may be include as additional defendants based on several legal theories described below. If the bully’s parents knew or should have known of the wrongful conduct by their child and failed to correct the problem, they too may be included in the lawsuit based upon statutory parental liability laws or a negligent entrustment cause of action.
In all cases, there are strict time limits that you must comply with or your claim will be forever barred. Each state is different so consult a lawyer immediately if you think you have a claim that needs to be pursued against a bully or any of the above people or entities.
Again, all of this potential exposure, litigation, and liability are clearly set forth in the earlier letters I recommended and in most cases, this serves as a sufficient incentive for everyone to get off their butts and do their job to make sure the bullying stops.
Sometimes because the bully and her family don’t know any better, they continue to fail to accept responsibility and make excuses. Because of this, the lawsuit makes its way all the way to trial. The good news is that jurors have little, if any, tolerance for the harm caused by bullies and if tried correctly, their verdicts can be rather substantial.
One example that comes to mind is a case we handled several years ago. We agreed to represent a family who was constantly harassed and bullied by their neighbors. While this was happening, our clients tried to take the highroad and deal with the name calling and inappropriate conduct for years.
However, one morning the neighbor struck our clients’ little dog with a baseball bat sending it yelping and tumbling head over tail down the backyard slope with a broken leg. As you can probably imagine, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back and the family was referred to our office by a mutual friend.
To make a long story short, we filed a lawsuit and took the case to trial. We asked a jury to hold the defendants responsible for their wrongful conduct which they did. We even made new California law along the way. Here’s a blog post about the case if you would like to read more.
Each case of bullying is different. Whether or not a civil wrong or crime has been committed depends on the unique facts of each case.
An analysis of the evidence must be undertaken to determine if the bullying was a onetime incident or a prolonged effort to destroy someone’s life.
In many California schools, there is a zero tolerance rule. If a student is caught bullying another student, the bully can be placed on suspension or even dismissed from school. Using this zero tolerance rule as leverage against the bully is a powerful tool. Unfortunately, not all states have a zero tolerance rule.
The biggest problem with bullies is not immediately calling them out on their actions and holding them accountable. It’s important for adults to be a good example for their children. Talking and interacting with your children and making sure you know what is going on with their lives is a good first start to avoiding the entire bully problem. Most children and teenagers don’t really know just how much you can help, and they carry this huge burden of being bullied around on their shoulders without any guidance or understanding as to how to deal with the problem.
Parents who do get involved need to immediately get everyone else involved. Whether they want to or not, putting everyone on written legal notice of the bully problem will in most cases be enough to get the problem resolved. Remember, you’re shifting the burden of responsibility to help monitor and resolve the issue and when it comes to bullying, the more people handling the problem the better.
When you take a step back and think about it, the bottom line is that it’s all about the children. If teachers, parents, principal, the school district or even a police agency is “inconvenienced” because of your concerns, that’s their problem and not yours. Send the letters and make follow up phone calls. Set meetings set and get people and agencies with authority involved. Using these people you’ll be able to better protect your family while also sending a message to the bully and her family that this kind of conduct will not be tolerated.
Remember that the court system is your court system. When it comes to bullying, the legal system is there to help protect your child and hold the bully accountable for her wrongful conduct. Having said this, do not ever be afraid to get good lawyers involved to protect your family and hold wrongdoers accountable. My experience has shown that the earlier you get a lawyer involved the quicker you will be able to fix the problem.
The Bully Project, and ‘Billy’ Movie: The documentary film that sparked a nationwide movement to stop bullying offers stories of those who were bullies and resources for parents, teachers, kids and communities for how to deal with and stop bullies on their website.
“Bully,” follows the lives of five U.S. students who faced bullying on a daily basis at school, including two who committed suicide as a result.
Stop Bullying Now!: A resource website sponsored by the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services that addresses the warning signs of bullying, how to talk about bullies, how to report bullies and cyberbullying and offers a 24-hour help hotline for victims at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
For Children and Teens:
Teens Against Bullying: Specifically created to help teens learn about bullying, how to appropriately respond to it and how to prevent it.
Kids Against Bullying: Specifically created to help elementary school children learn about bullying, how to appropriately respond to it and how to prevent it.
STOMP Out Bullying!: A national anti-bullying and cyberbullying program for kids and teens.
National Youth Advocacy Coalition: An advocacy organization for young people.
Trevor Project: A national organization that provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth. They also offer the Trevor Lifeline, a 24-hour, national crisis and suicide prevention hotline for LGBTQ youth. The number is 1-866-4-U-Trevor.
For Parents and Teachers:
PACER’s National Bullying Prevention Center: Offers resources for how to teach kids of all ages about bullying, state laws and what parents can do if their child is being bullied, and peer advocacy groups.
Education.com: Bullying at School and Online: A resource for both teachers and parents on how to help a bullied child.
Teaching Tolerance: Bullying: Offers guidelines and activities for teachers to help teach students K-12 about bullies.
The Human Rights Campaign’s Welcoming Schools Guide: A guide to help school administrators, educators, and parents or caring adults make sure that their elementary schools welcome all students and families. Targeted at addressing family diversity, gender stereotyping, and name-calling in K-5th grades.
GLSEN, Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network: Works with school officials to ensure that transgender, gay and lesbian students are not harassed or bullied.
Family Acceptance Project: Launched out of the Marian Wright Edelman Institute at San Francisco State University, this organization works to decrease major health and related risks for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) youth.